Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

VideoDame Presents: Lame Love Videos for Valentine's Day

It's easy to be sexy. You writhe, you dance. You pant suggestively. A 5 year old can do it--of course it's probably better they don't even if Lil Miss Pre-teen Kansas is on the line.

But what of love, love, love in all its straight, vanilla, perfectly bopping glory? Here VideoDame takes a break from one handed viewing and gives you three videos that due to a time, a place and an artist, still show us that we're not as sexed up a culture as we can be. And that's okay.

First: The Real McCoy's "Come and Get Your Love"

The why: Do you realize that all one can say about The Real McCoy can be summed up in two words-- "Remember them?" Yeah. Incredibly high budget for this video, actually and some elements of shut up stop laughing Fight Club in all those swoopy angles, about a decade and a generational style shift later.

Second: Andrea True's "More More More"

The why: Andrea True is a fascinating woman, who was actually a porn star at the time of her nascent disco career, here pictured--and yet manages to dance like your mother. That she's a drug and alcohol counselor now and a VH1 quasi-fixture makes her so fucking fabulous that I'm surprised there isn't a biopic with Charlize Theron in the works. She needs to learn to smile. A bit vacantly, but still. Heart this vid.

Finally: Justin Timberlake's "My Love"

The why: Now considering that JT's "Sexyback" video is one of the pure and vicious cornerstones to this entire blog in terms of being a deleriously erotic 3 minute ride, why is this one so lame when it is arguably, a better song? Why don't we ask the FLYING PENS. Or maybe the FLORESCENT LIGHT BULBS. OR THE GAP DANCERS. The only spark of Justin's sexuality in this video for a song that after all has the line "If you don't come/I ain't gon' die" is when he makes a widening motion while singing "piece of that pie." Then again, he opens it up kinda speculum style. *wince* Gently, JT, go gently.

So readers, love and sex as handled by popular culture can lead one astray, or at least leave one flushed not with desire but derision. Which is why you should always remember--you're the first and last authority on sexy things. Just don't videotape yourself.

"Love" always,

Monday, January 29, 2007

Videodame Presents: Straight Up by Paula Abdul

Paula Abdul. Are you laughing and/or being totally disgusted by vivid thoughts of STDs and or alcohol clinics? Well look, full disclosure I am JUST old enough to remember her like she is in the video for "Straight Up" which god knows when it came out but it was well before Simon Cowell squeezed himself into an ill-fitting spandex-enhanced black t-shirt or in fact, was important at all. Yeah, you see where I stand on that "feud." The point is Our Lady Paula had talent once, and maybe even SWERVE.

In only the most whitebread way possible. Check out the video and watch carefully for the rough edges cunningly applied by the stodgy by this bitches-and-Dom time for hip-hop videos, that is to say, laugh your ass off at the "grafitti" but also, watch PA's fucking MOVES in those tap shoes:

So? Yeah, you started bopping and dancing, just like I did when I saw this like twenty minutes ago and realized it needed to be at the top of my very long and very overdue queue. You know why? Because late-80s/early-90s Paula is the same as early-90s Janet, and their fall from apple cheeked sexpots into nymphomaniac pariahs should be studied carefully, with tweezers.

Though honestly I think Janet came out better in the deal. Paula croons helplessly here if we love her, if we love her studiously prepared moods, her swinging arms, her big eyes and fake come-ons, and I guess you can see now, that the world whirled around and said NO.

Who to have sex with after seeing: A virgin. In 1989.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

VideoDame Presents: Spacelord by Monster Magnet

Alright, time to pop this bitch, and what better to do it with a stoner-thrash-rock band that draws its core inspiration from my hometown of Las Vegas?

The what: I first came across the Making Of...of this video on MTV, and the station dutifully played it as they are wont to do for their own shills. But Monster Magnet is not your classic MTV story (or maybe it's so MTV that it's gone out of fashion). Dave Wyndorf, the goatee'd fella you see below locked himself in the now-defunct downtown casino The Plaza for two weeks to write this album and snort probably epic amounts of toot. Or toot epic amounts of snort. Whatever.

As for me, two guys behind me in chemistry class in high school when this video came out and used to casually lob the lines to each other, in a conversational tone as in: "I've been stuffed in your pocket, for the last thousand days." "You know, when I don't get my bath I take it out on the slaves?" "I left my throne a million miles away!" "I drink from your tit, I sing the blues every day!"

Yeah, we got a lot done in high school.

Here it is, in all its balls-out, pyrotechnic, cock-swinging glory:

The why: Now what's this got to do with sex and the Manifesto you ask? "I ate all the rest/and now I've gotta eat you" Just purely from the bombastic lyrics, which somehow never go over the top for how many blowaway lines they have right in a row this video alone should be activating my buttons.

But the thing itself! In between the pimped out lightbulb zoot suit, camera emphasis on everyone's damp, vinyl-covered crotch, the frankly ejaculatory fireworks display and the choreographed head banging by girls in red booty shorts, I'm giving myself a pass to talk this out to y'all and just saying that this whole fucking thing is so damnably, glorious self-explanatory in its unrepentant sleaze.

If you're not a little fuckin' dazzled you must have a shortage in your hard wiring, emphasis on the hard. Put it to you this way, this video is the best sex you'll probably have with a Las Vegas hooker. And I think in terms of larger scale, this video really informed the way LV the city markets itself now--as a big, huge, clean*, glam, blood orgy for the right people where the Dom and the ass flows freely. It's as commercial as it can be, my hometown, but it can make you feel damn good sometimes.

Who to have sex with after: Someone you're not afraid to hurt but can definitely laugh with when your handcuffs get stuck together, or something.

Watch carefully kids, yours truly,

*Clean is very strange but apt way to describe this video. Clean is something Trent Reznor, Marilyn Manson et al kinda ....neglect, as you will see later.